Wow! What a long time since I last posted. I guess I had better recap.
Despite suffering from some listlessness and lonesomeness at times, last summer/fall never devolved into anything terrible. That came later - but I will write about that later in this post.
I did enough hiking on my weekends to stay in shape and to drive the blues away. There was the beloved family vacation to Maine, a weekend away at Niagara-on-the-Lake, and a week's worth of hiking in Sedona, Arizona. I also spent some of my free time at the movies and continued to take care of my yard. Patrick and I walked almost every day. My hummingbird feeder continued to be the source of much entertainment and joy. I never got tired of watching for my little friend to show up, and by the end of hummingbird weather, I am convinced that two or three of the little guys and gals were visiting regularly.
Through the late fall I must have been feeling pretty good because I know with certainty that I decided it would be a good idea to stop taking my antidepressant to see how I would feel without it. I have never liked taking it for various reasons: sexual side-effects which interfere with personal relationships, the concern about how my personality has changed with antidepressant use over time, and my general discomfort at being so dependent on the drug. I take Lexapro, 20mg, and while that drug's side-effect profile is definitely less concerning than other drugs, stopping Lexapro too quickly leads to debilitating withdrawal effects (at least in me). So, what if I ever became separated from my drug? How would I bear the side-effects? (Deep down I know this is an irrational perspective.) But, being the brilliant individual I am, I visited my doctor, and we worked out a schedule for me to begin tapering off the drug. She warned me that this was the wrong time of year to be stopping an anti-depressant what with Seasonal Affective Disorder and all. But since the change in seasons has never had much of an effect on me, I told her I was committed to going ahead with the taper.
For awhile, things went well, and I was encouraged. No real discernible difference in my mood all the way until I got down to 5 mg. And then after about two weeks at that dose, I crashed. For awhile, I wasn't sure if it was the drug or just life in general that was making me feel so bad. To be sure, I have been struggling to maintain my enthusiasm for my job for the last couple of years, so not wanting to get up and go to the office didn't really feel like much of a warning to me. But in the end, it wasn't just the office I avoided. It was the grocery store, my friends' houses, the movies, the kitchen, the outdoors, even the shower. I remember one day speaking to a friend on the phone after I had failed to show up for a get-together we had been planning. I could barely get words out and was talking to her while lying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head. I told her I thought I might be getting dangerously depressed. I didn't confess it then, but I told her later on that I had been wishing for an early grave for several days before we spoke. Even in my deepest depressions, I've never been the suicidal type, but as I have gotten older, my depressive episodes have become more nihilistic in tenor. I lie there in spiritual and emotional agony and wonder what in the hell I am putting up with it for. I wonder, 'what's the point?' Why hang around and wait for Godot?
Luckily my friend has dealt with depression in her own life and knew what to say to me and that I needed her to check on me frequently over the next week during which time I promised I would call my doctor and begin increasing my dose of Lexapro again. Luckily I still had will enough to follow through, and, the very next day, I called my doc, told her I had made a mistake and asked for a new prescription. Things have been getting better since then. I'm currently on 10mg of Lexapro, and so far I think that's good enough. I'm active and relatively engaged with life. I'm still a bit of a hermit, but in winter there's not a heck of a lot to do, especially when you are trying to save money. I walk Patrick every day, go to work and hike on the weekends. I am resolved to get back to the gym for more regular workouts, but a painful pinched nerve in the neck has kept me sidelined for the last couple of weeks. It's showing signs of improvement now. Tomorrow, I will be leading a group of hikers on a strenuous, hilly 5-mile hike at one of my favorite area parks. Looking forward to it.
Life's an adventure, right?
Of note: During the time I was tapering my drug, I did not experience any panic attacks. That was certainly a possibility as one thing Lexapro does better than most other antidepressants is reign in anxiety.
